The best way to boost our child’s self-confidence is to accept their personality unconditionally and let them play freely! Let’s see what that means!
On Unconditional Acceptance: If we unconditionally accept a child’s personality and emotions, we can prevent them from developing a sense of inferiority. What I mean is that if, for example, our child is sensitive and tends to be introverted, we should not try to change this fundamental, innate aspect of their personality! If we desperately strive to raise them to be a leader, we won’t be developing their ability to assert themselves—we may actually achieve the exact opposite. This can make them feel that they aren’t acceptable to us and that they must change to fit in. In this way, instead of building self-confidence, we may lay the foundation for a lack of self-confidence.
On the importance of free play: Preschool age is a time of curiosity and attempts to gain control. From the moment a child shows a desire for independence, we must definitely let them go their own way—in a manner appropriate for their age! Of course, this doesn’t mean we let them run wild without limits. Healthy boundaries are necessary. It’s important to have basic rules that protect the safety of the child and the people, animals, and objects around them, but beyond that, let them be free! This isn’t neglect; it’s raising a child in a way that meets their needs.
Free play helps children relieve stress and provides the perfect opportunity for them to experience their own sense of efficacy, thereby fostering the belief that they can influence events in the world around them and are not merely going with the flow.
What not to do when a child is playing:
- Let's not criticize his play!
- Don't correct their work all the time, because later on they'll feel that the only right way to do things is the way adults do it, and that their own attempts aren't good enough.
- Let's not be too strict! (e.g., "Play nicely!")
- Let's not solve their problems for them!
- Let's not compare them to other children!
- Let’s try to overcome our overprotectiveness and think it through: are we afraid that our child is in real danger, or are we actually scared that they’re starting to break away from us and grow up? Or are we perhaps repeating the same unnecessary, overprotective phrases that adults used to undermine our own self-confidence when we were children?
And what should we do when the child starts playing:
- Let's immerse ourselves in the activity!
- If they run into trouble, let's encourage them instead of rushing to help!
- Let’s praise their independence, perseverance, and interesting insights instead of evaluating the final result. Praising the final result (e.g., a drawing) by saying it’s “beautiful” may, instead of boosting self-confidence, make the child worry that they’ll have to create something beautiful next time as well to make Mom or Dad happy.
So, as a child psychologist, my advice is to let our children play! Unfortunately, these days, taking too many extracurricular classes can also cause self-confidence issues, since it may send a hidden message to the child that “I’m not good enough; I need to improve.” In such cases, parents need to reevaluate their own self-worth and realize that constantly scheduling activities for their child doesn’t make them a good parent.
The most important thing is for the child to feel that his or her parents support him or her, and that home is a safe haven. But parents let go, allowing the child to test his or her wings; they trust that the child can hold his or her own even without constant help, supervision, or instruction. In this way, as the child grows up, they will view the obstacles of school and later adult life—rather than as paralyzing problems—as challenges to which they will have no trouble adapting flexibly.
(References: Alice Hermann, *Raising Children to Be Human*; Alexander and Sandahl, *The Danish Way of Parenting*)
